In Retrospect~

He is she. She is not He.
She does not understand. He says it can not be understood.
Who is she but He. 

'In retrospect, all that evolution had given us is worth respecting. Above all- the beauty of reason, consciousness, and being a human'- ahh- she slipped in 'peace'.

But few minutes ago, it was a different story- There were tumultuous emotions rolling over her cheeks, her mind raced with different ideas of when and how to painlessly leave this hypocritically ill world. She had a strange ache in her head and belly. Her body was crashing. Weakness is not something, the kind of hers, take very well! She had just returned from a party- her colleagues and boss s' party.

So the party was supposedly 'fun'.

But, somehow her eyes have this weakness to spot hypocrisy, irony or treachery, in everything that passes by. Ever criticizing, superiorily pessimistic- that is how she has come to be. She sank into her couch, fighting memories which were banging on her eyes. She hates parties, she hates these people! 'Misanthrope' from the Norman Lewis- she was so close to becoming.

Let me clarify here- being pathologically pessimistic and insecure- is the least pleasant state to be in, there is not much joy or ease for the misanthrope. Quite contrary, the anguish of an misanthrope is inexplicable-nothing apt can be said except - there is only a small tolerance in human spirit against having her'self' at the centre of self-hatred. A misanthrope can't help, but live in tortuous pain of hating all humans, primary of who 'she', herself is!  

On Sat, Jun 4, 2011 at 7:44 PM, Gargi Singh <roorkean@gmail.com> wrote:

I met a man sometime ago. I felt he was among those who didn't care about worldly things. He was supposedly more concerned with higher stuff and its doings. I am strictly an atheist but I respected his recluse nature and his dedication to something , most of which I very much fail to appreciate. I myself had nothing I could boast off. Nothing to feel good about. I myself could have left this world- by choice. But I have these attachments. It is just difficult and little coward- as I see it- to run away right now. There is stuff in this world which needs me- it is more of a sentimental obligation- sth I wont forgive myself- in the event of my running away. 

I liked talking to this man. He is anti-thesis of everything I am. Our discussions are so filled with so much of passion for contrasting beliefs to which we both so strongly stick. 

He advocates that this mirth is momentary. I agree so much. All the laughter and emotional rides have left me empty.

He emphasizes how useless our life is. I could not agree more. I can't. Life is useless and our efforts are tinier than a boson. 

I fight with him- but- I argue that though my life is useless, yet I have the potential to start a chain reaction and many people like me can gather a critical mass- bring change- influence histories to come. He argues back- history changes- so what! Yes, I agree- everything is so irrelevant- thousands have come and gone, brought changes, so what!?

I am writing this because there was a time when I almost gave into his beliefs. I tried to see things from his perspective- albeit minus his religious ideas (a pleasant mockery of human rationality). I gave up things- I gave up so many things. I tried to worship knowledge. And, I felt worse.

I realize- with my absolutely pitiable-rational mind- if it exists-

Knowledge worshipped is knowledge killed. Knowledge 'questioned' is knowledge generated.

Ascetis-ism is not purity- it is absolute vileness in its uttermost purity- it is escapism- it is denial to what exists materially- it is like lying to self to make life more pleasant. Life sucks. Life screws. Yes it very much does and nothing else.  All the stuff of peace is fantasy and fantasy extended is schizophrenia. Evolution demands lack of peace- lack of inertia. Only when there is pain we grow. 

Mirth is momentary- and that is why mirth is what we long for- mirth goes away thankfully, so that we strive for more, so that we move ahead or backward (choice is ours).

 the dead part of the living dead

The debate continues. I deny the denial- all forms of these denials: denial of joys, denial of desire, denial of pain, denial of inferiority, denial of selfishness, ..., denial of utmost selfish needs and aims. I deny all these denials.

How about not being recluse- but embracing the ugly life in its entirety! I asked him this- and he told me that it was too ugly, this life, and then he thought that it wasn't worth it. I asked where was his courage and where is the human prowess of endurance, and most of all -the beautiful human hope? He gave me answers I can not appreciate right now. 

Buddha said desire was the cause of suffering. I ask - why do you desire to not have any suffering. Tao saw suffering as an integral part of life. I ask him to make good of suffering. To become stronger, to develop new ideas and methods to alleviate the suffering. Not to merely accept it or kill your desire as part of suffering alleviation. 

I realize with every passing day- I grow further away from him and people like him. And closer to myself. How complete the world becomes when it is just me :) I realize how every day he gives me a 'brick to make a wall'- the wall to defend my soul from escapism. And, each day he gives me a reason to run away- to escape from all my unsolved problems. I get both from the same person! Each day I make the same decision. Each day I am more sure of it.

With insufficient bricks and attachments,

Gargi