I was singing. It was cold outside. I was looking through the window to the play ground. Cold and grey.
It was perhaps a song of longing that I was singing I don't remember. I don't remember much.
I don't remember much of both the actions and thoughts. Perhaps thought occurred in the mind. And then another thought exclaimed: "Oh! The mind." It was seen that mind is independent. And 'I' am not the experiencer but the experience itself. Even these thoughts were not mine. There was no 'mine-ness' or sense of ownership- doership as we say.
I don't remember much, both actions and thoughts. Later in the day, I realized that "my" "mind" was back. And this experience was interpreted as:
That was nothingness. Remember how I saw that I am not real. I am only a sock puppet in the hands of the puppeteer. Remember that the song/mood was about longing to see the Beloved. Remember that I saw nothing as the source of all something? Oh look the mine-ness is here.
Oh! How wonderful I feel now! Not elated or ecstatic. Very peaceful- peaceful without 'peace' or 'no-peace'.
It was not blissful or not blissful. It was real. (In nothingness of the real, everything including bliss and non-bliss arises from and through It, and It alone is real.) I remember seeing nothing in It.
But the mind and all this thinking were not as loud or gripping as they used to be before. Even now I know no conflict between my experience of myself now and my memory of this experience. If It is what is called 'absolute' then I know no difference between It and this, the relative, except that here the mind is taking ownership and thereby I am here. In It the mind is seen as another thing arising and acting on commands/behalf of It. Funnily, there was no one to see. Even (my) eyes were seen. What It is, I do not know.
Next day or the day after the next day I tried telling my friend mama about this experience with lot of excitement and sense of achievement. I thought that if she were next to me at the time of the experience, then she would see it too. What an opportunity lost. In my telling I knew I could not tell. Usually I tell everything to my yoga teacher but this I did not. Even the thought to try talking about it again did not arise, until when I talked with Ellen.
In the ~2 weeks that passed, I noticed greater compassion and lesser pride or resistance in my daily dealings. The noticing would happen in retrospect. Memories are muddled and sense of time is very different. Memories when they come are very real and distracting but when the attention is not on the memories then present is the only existence and thoughts of future or emotional memories of past are something that could be happening to someone else.
After I talked with Ellen, this changed and great bodily dis-ease and restless sensations started emerging. Every time I try to sit in zazen, the attention is kicked out of pelvic bowl into the head. Staying in heart and body is tougher. (Roshi Ellen Master Ellen Mother of Compassion and fearlessness Ellen asked me to write and I postponed it until today. Felt 0 inspiration to write but I knew that her word is a command.)
Then the weekend with Anna, my yoga teacher happened where we met Georgi, a teacher from Israeil through Skype. Apparently it was very powerful for everyone but for me there was as if a mental and emotional wall of resistance. The restlessness in thighs and body grew more noticeable. And then on Monday evening after coming back from Anna, memories of childhood ~3-4 years of age came back. Dad shouting at my cutest, most tender brother in a voice that only meant death. Rage arose. I bet the bed screaming in my heart and head- how dare you? how dare you? how dare you hurt my brothers? (both brothers when they were cutest 3-5 years of age and beyond.)
Great peace came after that. It has been slightly easier to stay and find the body. I know a storm is on the way and there is more to purge.
One thing that seems to have established itself is this- there are no questions. Lot of dross and mind games But no doubts.
It was perhaps a song of longing that I was singing I don't remember. I don't remember much.
I don't remember much of both the actions and thoughts. Perhaps thought occurred in the mind. And then another thought exclaimed: "Oh! The mind." It was seen that mind is independent. And 'I' am not the experiencer but the experience itself. Even these thoughts were not mine. There was no 'mine-ness' or sense of ownership- doership as we say.
I don't remember much, both actions and thoughts. Later in the day, I realized that "my" "mind" was back. And this experience was interpreted as:
That was nothingness. Remember how I saw that I am not real. I am only a sock puppet in the hands of the puppeteer. Remember that the song/mood was about longing to see the Beloved. Remember that I saw nothing as the source of all something? Oh look the mine-ness is here.
Oh! How wonderful I feel now! Not elated or ecstatic. Very peaceful- peaceful without 'peace' or 'no-peace'.
It was not blissful or not blissful. It was real. (In nothingness of the real, everything including bliss and non-bliss arises from and through It, and It alone is real.) I remember seeing nothing in It.
But the mind and all this thinking were not as loud or gripping as they used to be before. Even now I know no conflict between my experience of myself now and my memory of this experience. If It is what is called 'absolute' then I know no difference between It and this, the relative, except that here the mind is taking ownership and thereby I am here. In It the mind is seen as another thing arising and acting on commands/behalf of It. Funnily, there was no one to see. Even (my) eyes were seen. What It is, I do not know.
Next day or the day after the next day I tried telling my friend mama about this experience with lot of excitement and sense of achievement. I thought that if she were next to me at the time of the experience, then she would see it too. What an opportunity lost. In my telling I knew I could not tell. Usually I tell everything to my yoga teacher but this I did not. Even the thought to try talking about it again did not arise, until when I talked with Ellen.
In the ~2 weeks that passed, I noticed greater compassion and lesser pride or resistance in my daily dealings. The noticing would happen in retrospect. Memories are muddled and sense of time is very different. Memories when they come are very real and distracting but when the attention is not on the memories then present is the only existence and thoughts of future or emotional memories of past are something that could be happening to someone else.
After I talked with Ellen, this changed and great bodily dis-ease and restless sensations started emerging. Every time I try to sit in zazen, the attention is kicked out of pelvic bowl into the head. Staying in heart and body is tougher. (Roshi Ellen Master Ellen Mother of Compassion and fearlessness Ellen asked me to write and I postponed it until today. Felt 0 inspiration to write but I knew that her word is a command.)
Then the weekend with Anna, my yoga teacher happened where we met Georgi, a teacher from Israeil through Skype. Apparently it was very powerful for everyone but for me there was as if a mental and emotional wall of resistance. The restlessness in thighs and body grew more noticeable. And then on Monday evening after coming back from Anna, memories of childhood ~3-4 years of age came back. Dad shouting at my cutest, most tender brother in a voice that only meant death. Rage arose. I bet the bed screaming in my heart and head- how dare you? how dare you? how dare you hurt my brothers? (both brothers when they were cutest 3-5 years of age and beyond.)
Great peace came after that. It has been slightly easier to stay and find the body. I know a storm is on the way and there is more to purge.
One thing that seems to have established itself is this- there are no questions. Lot of dross and mind games But no doubts.
No comments:
Post a Comment